Grieving with Hope: One Year

[00:00:00] It dawned on me after communion that this was moe. Yeah, and I thought that initially but I talked myself out of it. There's no way. There's no way. In the meantime, all the stories of Dad interacting with Monica. So Monica and Joleen are sisters, this is our girls.

[00:00:23] And there's just all these stories of Dad interacting with them and me and fifths. It is going through your mind in a millisecond. Yeah, it's amazing how much can go through your mind and really short amount of time. And then, and then, trying to contain all that.

[00:00:41] Well, you're in the distribution. Wow, no, after like after this is like as churches now ending, right? Trying to contain all that while I'm greeting people on the way out. Knowing I got to get back up there and get pictures taken.

[00:00:53] Welcome to Christ In All Things, a conversation about meaning and purpose. It's based on a verse from the Bible, Colossians chapter 1 verse 17 which says, Christ is before all things and in him all things hold together.

[00:01:15] Christ in All Things is a listening ear into conversations about receiving and giving the love and hope of Christ. These conversations are an invitation because as much as you'll hear and as much as we enjoy having them, digital media operates from a distance.

[00:01:32] And that's not what's best for us with God or with one another. So, thanks for listening. And if you're in the neighborhood, we invite you to participate in person in the life that finds a tapah center at St Paul's Lutheran Church, 210 East Pleasant Street in O'Connor, Wisconsin.

[00:01:51] Welcome to Christ In All Things. I am Pastor Lance Rodano. I'm Pastor Jason Chachman. And we're here today for the... At least what is planned to be, the final installment of our series called Grieving With Hope. And we are today the...

[00:02:19] The date is the 8th of August in the year of our Lord, 2023. One year after the date, after the death of your father, Reverend Gary Chachman. Graduating to the church triumphant. So I'd like to begin with a prayer.

[00:02:38] Almighty in everlasting God, your son has assured forgiveness of sins and deliverance from eternal death. Strengthen us by your Holy Spirit that our faith in Christ may increase daily and that we may hold fast to the hope that on the last day,

[00:02:56] we shall be raised in glory to eternal life through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen. Amen. So my friend, it's been one year. Where are you in your head right now? Well I talked to my sister today already. I'm planning on talking to my mom a little later. So...

[00:03:21] I'm kind of all over the map, right? What does this mean? It's been... Well, it's been a rough couple of months here with funerals. It has. Each of them in their own way has connected to grieving the loss of my father and his funeral and brought up...

[00:03:53] Do you mind if we talk about that then? I'll go ahead. So... There have been several funerals recently. Perhaps most prominently my guess is... The death of Little Hadley McCormick, a little seven year old in our congregation who died from a really aggressive brain tumor. Yeah.

[00:04:23] And both of us pastors here at St. Paul's were intensely involved in pastoral care, beginning with her hospitalization and surgery back in December. Christmas. And all the way through when... All the way through. Yeah. And so, you said there was some my word not yours. Crossover. Yeah.

[00:04:55] Well, talk a little bit about that. For me it didn't start with Hadley and actually started with Carolyn Ponco. Oh yeah. Who... Well, her family planned her funeral and then they showed up and sang. Yeah. Oh, that was splendid. So Ponco's thank you for that gift.

[00:05:16] And it really did connect to the body of Christ that sang at my dad's funeral. And then music for me has always been... It's my solace. It's where I run. It... I connect to my own emotions better there. I think that's true for a lot of people. Yeah.

[00:05:46] And where I can't necessarily articulate them. The right song will just bring it all right to the fore. Which you point at which we'll talk about. And so starting with Carolyn's funeral because there's a him that we sang at her funeral That's going to be in mind. Yeah.

[00:06:05] We sang it again in Bobby Showaiers. You're talking about Lord the I love with all my heart. Yeah. Lord then at last I an angels come to Abrams bosom bear me home that I may die on fearing.

[00:06:20] And then it's narrow chamber keep my body still in peaceful sleep until I reappearing. And then from death awakened me that these my eyes with joy may see your son of God like glorious face, my savior and my font of grace. That... And then... Right?

[00:06:39] That moment in that him is... And then from death that's the way he can be. Stop singing. I'm gonna cry. I can recite the word but man you start singing and it's done. It is a remarkable thing. I mean we've talked about this numerous numerous times.

[00:06:58] I mean part of the part of the reason we're doing this series is is number one I know that talking about it helps and you were willing to talk about it publicly. Well yeah. And as in related to that we knew...

[00:07:16] You know we both had a sense that had a having a multi-point conversation about grief would provide a window for people in the congregation and elsewhere into the types of conversations that you can have. Yeah. With people who are grieving with people who are grieving.

[00:07:38] And so we fast forward to had leaves funeral and coming out of had leaves funeral talking with Travis and Aaron and her parents, her parents. And they're a desire that people continue to tell them the stories. I continue to tell us the stories of Hadley

[00:07:56] and how she connected your life. And that's been... That's been really good. It's been really helpful. I think for them and for others. And then as I'm watching that unfold, I'm also realizing there aren't a whole lot of people that knew my dad well

[00:08:20] that I can share stories with or that are still around to share those stories with. And I know one of the things in my sister and I talked about today was she's planning to go through some photo albums and just reminisce a little bit. And that'll be great.

[00:08:36] I'm sure she and her husband and her son Caleb's home from Indonesia so that's great to have him home for a bit. He's talking about moving there full time. Oh, that's a big deal. Oh my goodness. My nephew... I love him. I love him.

[00:08:53] He's on fire for the Lord. It's great. That's just the way he put it. Right? But that sharing of the stories. I think often we talk about it as a way to quote unquote, keep someone alive in our hearts. But I think more to the point

[00:09:15] it's a way of continuing to give thanks for the gifts that God gave you in the life of that person and to recognize that in Christ those gifts never end. They never end. So we don't have to stop talking about someone

[00:09:34] who's died in Christ, who's died in the Lord, especially talking about them as though they're not no longer existing. Because in fact, they are. Their life is just hidden with God in Christ. And so we can't see them, but their life hasn't changed. Their life is the same.

[00:09:53] It is hidden with God in Christ. That's a wonderful thing. Indeed. Indeed. Yeah, one of the things of having this conversation thinking about music for you. Music has a way of touching most people and helping to bring things out. But it's not always the case.

[00:10:16] Sometimes it's sights and smells. Sometimes you'll, we had a funeral here recently for Bobby Schoier, who was a great and she was what 81 I think. And a great servant of the congregation and of the church who was very busy for many, many, many, many years

[00:10:39] kind of who trained and walking along people with grief. And her family talked about when they got together there was like a cookie bake. And so there are certain smells associated for them associated with Bobby, which is. That's a powerful thing.

[00:11:03] So it can be the smell of a certain kind of food or something, kind of rows. Yeah. I'm going to do some work on the house lately. So I'm in the toolbox a lot. Now that's my dad's toolbox that I'm into.

[00:11:23] And he was very particular about his tools, right? Yeah. I mean, he had a huge wood shop in the backyard and like dust collector that was a centralized dust collector and for those who don't know that's like a central vacuum unit that collect all the salt as well.

[00:11:42] Imagine you're not quite as uptight about the tools. So do you find yourself having a little bit of joy kind of poking at your father by not putting everything away as neatly as you do? No. I tried to put his tools back the way that he left him

[00:11:58] and I tried to enter us and it's my tools that just kind of put him away. The thing that made me go there though was I opened the screwdriver drawer the other day. All the flathead screwdriver's face, one direction in the drawer

[00:12:14] and all the Phillips heads are the other way. Sure. That way you know which one you're grabbing. But the smell. When I opened that drawer, the smell. Smells like your debt of that toolbox. Smell like the toolbox in the garage in Paris,

[00:12:33] Burble, Ohio when I was a teenager and we were working on the car and that we couldn't get the head gasket to sit right and sit right and seal right. And we must have put three or four different head gaskets on that 1983 Plymouth Reliant before it finally stuck.

[00:12:53] And there were many times where we were with a flathead screwdriver carefully, carefully, scraping seal off of the head gasket before we tried another one. And I remember just open the screwdriver drawer because I was putting together a garden tool shed

[00:13:14] to get some stuff out of our garage. And there it is, the smell of that head gasket could be scraped off. Just because I opened the screwdriver drawer. I'm like, what the dickens? Where's that come from? So I stood there, turned screwdriver and my hand for a minute.

[00:13:34] And then I went back to what I was doing. There's been lots of those moments this year. Lots of those moments. Right? I'm coming up on, for me, I'm coming up on the annual family reunion where all my uncles and male cousins get together. Yeah.

[00:13:57] And one of the great things about that reunion is half of those guys and my uncles are gone now. But those guys knew my dad before I did. Something way before I did. And it's often at that event where I learned a little something new

[00:14:21] in which is to, you know, to your point that you made earlier increasingly over time. And it's been over 30 years now since my dad died increasingly over time across for thankfulness. Yeah. Because you got people that knew him and can share stories.

[00:14:40] Yeah, and there's, for most of us, I think our relationships with our fathers are at least a little bit complicated. You think? Yeah. But I mean, I'm curious. And I know that's the case with you. I'm, I have found over time.

[00:14:59] It's because it's interesting that you said what you said. I have found over time. I am a lot less stupidly, I call it stupidly, peod about something and more thankful. Yeah. How is this, is that, is that kind of what has happened this year?

[00:15:23] Or is it still very much a mixed bag? On the whole, on the whole I'm getting there. They're still, there's still little things I look back on and I'm just, oh, that was dad. And I just kind of chalk it up to,

[00:15:36] that was dad being dad and whatever. And I'm not, I wouldn't say that I'm stupidly peod as much as I just kind of go. And then, for me, the thing that's kind of sunk in is how am I kids going to remember me?

[00:15:56] And how can I act toward them in such a way that, that they wouldn't remember me as I often remember my dad? You know, at the same time, on Sunday, 1030 service we had a baptism. Yep. And one of the friends of the family is a gal

[00:16:20] who I was unaware or just didn't remember that she teaches at Milwaukee Lutheran. grew up in Michigan, Southern Michigan. Was a part of the ongoing ambassadors for Christ crowd that my dad coordinated the circuit? Oh, no kidding. Yeah, Monica Seabarth. No kidding. Good old mo. Yeah.

[00:16:46] So here I am, stepping up into the pulpit on Sunday, you know, having prayed the Psalms that I prayed before we before I preach. Yeah. And extended the greeting, great, submersion piece to you from God our father through our Lord and Savior. Jesus Christ.

[00:17:06] And I look and there's this gal. Pulpit side, third row inside aisle. And I'm like, I know her. But of course, my brain is a little zeroed in on the sermon that I'm about to preach. Right. I'm not exactly focused on placing this guest

[00:17:25] that seems to be there for the baptism. And so I kind of let it go. And it kept nagging at me that I know this person. I know this gal. I know that I do, but it's way back there. But I know that I know this gal.

[00:17:42] We get through communion. And as I'm coming up to bring you the, the common cup, I stopped and leaned over to our elder. And I'm like, I know I know that person does she look familiar to you? He's like, nope, not at all. Okay.

[00:17:58] It dawned on me after communion that this was mo. Yeah. And I thought that initially, but I talk myself out of it. Because there's no, it's been a long time. Yeah. There's no way. In the meantime, all the stories of Dad interacting with Monika and Jolean our sisters,

[00:18:20] this is our girls. And there's just all these stories of Dad interacting with them and me and fifths. That is going through your mind in a millisecond. Yeah. It's amazing how much can go through your mind. Yeah. And really short amount of time. And then, and then,

[00:18:37] trying to contain all that. Well, you're in the distribution. Wow. No, after, like, after this is, like, as church is now ending, right? Trying to contain all that while I'm greeting people on the way out, knowing I got to get back up there

[00:18:51] and get pictures taken with this baptismal family by the way, super cute, smiley Augustus picture that they got. I love it. Yeah. Hannah was like, yeah, you get the only smile of the day. Like, no, no, we'll be okay. But he was smiling during the baptism.

[00:19:08] He was very sweet and he was. But there was also the murty clan was there that day. Your friends from many, many, many years. Yeah. So there was just this, I had this moment, right? Toward the end of the church service where all these images

[00:19:31] are flashing through my head of, OFC and Monica and Dad. And then it immediately jumped to the murties and one day, make sure I got a chance to say hi to them before they left. And then this new family, the Christian sins that were, well, they're not new,

[00:19:47] but third child being baptized, right? You did one, you did the middle child. I got the end one, or this last one, and hopefully there's more. I was simply overwhelmed by the breath and the depth and the wonder of the body of Christ. Yeah. And it's joy, yeah.

[00:20:21] And the sharing of the heartache and the rejoicing with those who rejoice. Like all of this is now in that moment, flying through my head, as I'm trying to contain all this. And then go home and build this garden shed,

[00:20:46] so that when my wife and kids get home because Collette had gone to pick the kids up they were in the cross. So when no, I think kids get home from the delts, we can get some of these things out of the garage because this coming weekend

[00:21:03] we're hosting the garage sale that our Rachel is having before she moves to St. Louis to go prepare to be a deacon. That's a member of our congregation, a Rachel Wegener, who is, what is she 30? Oh, no. And then I don't ask, I don't know. I don't know.

[00:21:23] And then they were all there. And she's going back to graduate school to study to be a deacon. Yeah. I'm hoping her out. She's using our driveway for garage sale items that she doesn't want to take back. And we've added some items to it.

[00:21:37] All the proceeds will go to help Alison, her not Alison, to help Rachel and her moving in her studies. So just again, it's all of that went by on Sunday morning. And then I'm home digging through the garage, putting together this thing, smelling my dad's tools.

[00:21:58] And I'm going to go to the church, and remember in him, and trying to keep it all like in line with this joy that is ours. So what's the, if I may as were surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses? What's the lesson for people

[00:22:18] in that latter part of the conversation we just had? Or lessons? One for those who grieve. Yeah. One, don't stop being connected to the body of Christ. Okay? The church in this communion of the church. There is a sustaining joy

[00:22:43] that will reach out and grab a hole you when you least expected. When you need it most. And there are those who will walk beside you and mourn with you. Every step, every step. So, you know, the share of the stories, but let the church hold you up.

[00:23:07] Let the church hold you up. And let me, let me if I may. No, interject, interject there. Because, I mean, what, what you're amongst other things, what you're saying is, don't stop going to church. A lot of people when they're in grief have a hard time walking through.

[00:23:24] Yeah. And, you know, there's a little poster on our teachers' lounge that we got from some educational agency. That I think is actually really great. You know, there's this saying, fake it till you make it. But the poster says, face it till you make it. Yeah.

[00:23:40] And that faithful courage of showing up for worship even when you know it's sometimes going to be hard emotionally. Can, can reap a harvest of great appreciation. Yeah. Which I think is what you're describing. The other sign in the teachers' lounge that sticks out

[00:24:04] is the Jesus knows me this I love. Which is, you know, it's, it's cute. It's playful. But when you stop and think about that, we are known. We are known by our Savior, who, who, who, who, who graven his, our names right in his book. And so,

[00:24:35] that we are my going with that. Jesus, Jesus knows me this I love. It's not just Jesus that knows me. It's not just Jesus that knows my dad, although more fully than we ever will. Right? But it is the body of Christ

[00:24:52] that knows the things that we are walking through because they've walked through them. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's Karen Sumerty who cared for her, for her, for her, Ailing Father who was a preacher that knows this grief. And just, give me hug. Yep.

[00:25:15] Not knowing we were coming up on the one you're in or first of you, right? Yeah. The verse I was thinking of was from 1 Corinthians 13. Well, sure. For now we see in a mirror, dimly that is an old fashioned mirror, not like our new ones, right?

[00:25:31] Now we see in an old in a mirror dimly, but then we see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. Jesus knows by God all the way along. Yeah, it's a cute little thing, right?

[00:25:52] But it's not just cute. It's true and it's deep and it's rich. And I think sometimes we, we forget to stop and appreciate those deep rich moments. So I had one of those unsunday and it's kind of clung to me and hung around this week,

[00:26:10] knowing that we were going to sit down and have this conversation. I took my kids in a friend to see King and Confort King in country at the state fair, which is last night explained to people. For King and Country is a couple of Australian brothers

[00:26:26] who now live in Nashville, Tumasay and they're singers, their musicians, their filmmakers, their artsy guys. I just stumbled across this fact this week. Thanks to my best friend in the world, Mark. They're older sister, the older sister of the two brothers that are

[00:26:48] for King and Country is Rebecca St. James. Actress, Christian singer songwriter from when I was a teenager. Okay, I don't remember. Yeah. Anyway, and they have a whole band. It's not just the two guys, but they put on quite a show

[00:27:04] and they sing some songs that have a pretty good message and some that are made me theologically stand up on end and go, nah, it's not exactly. But there's one where they sing, they were they talk about your value. You are valued in your priceless.

[00:27:31] And that was something my dad always ingrained in us that we were, we were priceless. We were about you. We were his treasure. My sister and I. And I'm standing there next to my son with my 13 year old daughter, our 14 year old daughter's,

[00:27:46] sorry, on the other side of him and her friend on the other side of her. And I turned and I turned and looked at her. And then I pulled out my phone to record her because she was full on in the moment, singing along with this song

[00:28:02] with her phone up recording while she's singing along. Yeah. With her friend next to her, who's a huge fan of the band, singing along. And it's just that moment that you are priceless but they sang. I was overwhelmed. Good for you.

[00:28:20] My kids know who they are in Christ. That my kids know their priceless and they know they're more valuable than anything else. I may not always do the best job of communicating that to them and they may sometimes feel like second-fiddle to church or second-fiddle to golf

[00:28:41] or second-fifth. You know, any other thing. And that's something, that's something this week that I've learned. I know they know it. I gotta do a better job of showing it to them. Fair enough. Yeah. So, it's one year today. Yeah? You've walked with people

[00:29:09] for over 15 years as a pastor. Through grief. What's been, or has there been a surprise in this whole thing? Yeah. Yes and no. Okay. You are the surprise. I'm the surprise. Yeah. Oh Lord, have mercy. All right. Because day after the funeral maybe it was? Yeah.

[00:29:54] When you came up with this hairline idea that we should... Did you or at work? Yeah. Egypt. Well, I... Yeah, I don't. We've talked about that before. But here's the surprise. My brother and Christ, my brother in the office. Yeah. And at that moment of asking that question

[00:30:18] becomes my pastoral care. Oh. And walking through this. Uh-huh. So, more than you know. Yeah. I think more than you thought you... But more... Doing more than you thought you were. Or maybe you weren't. Maybe I just underestimated you. Yeah. I don't think so. More than you know.

[00:30:45] The surprise is you've become not my brother, but my pastor. Yeah. In walking through this. Well, that's an honor. So thank you. You're welcome for doing that. Whether you intended to or not. Because I think your intention was...

[00:31:02] Just because as a guy who's lost your father as well. Uh-huh. As another brother... As a fellow pastor in the ministry is someone who very much values this walking beside people as they grieve and grieving with them. Um... Yeah, you're not emotionally stupid. No. You're not. No.

[00:31:22] You have a... You have a profound natural empathy. Um... Which... Lent itself marvelously to pastoral care. Um... But I also know that you can also... I mean, you be just being a man. But we can bury ourselves and caring for other things. Yeah.

[00:31:44] I knew that it was important to talk. And... I'm, you know, I was also thinking just if I may. And uh... In a show quality kind of value. I knew you'd be a good... I knew you'd be a good... Interview because there'd be... There'd be candor. Yeah. Um...

[00:32:06] And I knew Christ would be at the center of it. Yeah. And I knew that there would be candor with regard to your own personal stupidity. Um... You know, and... You know, I got plenty of that. Right. And I think it's... It's... Well...

[00:32:25] One, I knew it would just be helpful to talk. Yeah. From at least moderated by somebody who had some... Incling. Yeah. Of what an idea was... But I also knew it would be helpful for civil. The surprise is... Um... Folks, the... The moment when... Uh...

[00:32:41] Pastor Rodal starts this with a prayer. And then we're from scripture. Um... He's praying these prayers that I've prayed with people That... That I've... I pull out of my pastor, I'll care companion and share with others. But... But he's... He's doing that. Not just for the show. He's...

[00:33:02] He's doing that for me. Yeah. Um... And so... Thank you. You're welcome. Surprise. So when... Right. So in those moments then. So when you show up and say thank you to me for something... I'm... I'm... I just... I'm dumbfounded. I just... I... I...

[00:33:25] I had a occasion yesterday to realize how thankful I am to have a... Have a brother-in-office walking alongside me. And so I just... You know, in War Lutheran so we can enjoy a little alcoholic beverage.

[00:33:37] And so I just went out and bought him a bottle of scotch and just dropped it off as... House and said thank you. Because he knows I prefer scotch. My scotch cabinet, by the way, right now. In part thanks to this congregation.

[00:33:49] And the way that they care for us as pastors. Yeah. It's full. Okay. I'll have room for any more. So... We got... We got a... Yeah. He's a type one day... They're bad. So I can't take him cookies. So right. So we're shouldn't. We...

[00:34:07] We're going to have to have a little... A little... A little scotch festival at my house. Invite some of the brothers over and have a little scotch and share some knowledge about it.

[00:34:16] So that we can polish a couple of those off before we put it anymore in it. Yeah. Which I'm game to do at some point. Maybe the elders can come and learn a little. I'm sure they'd like that. Yeah, you go. Anyway. This week we...

[00:34:33] In a few short hours. Well, no, tomorrow... We send the staff off for staff retreat. And we'll go join them then. Wednesday after. And that's another... Another place in the midst of this... Where... ...dreaming my father has been... I've been cared for. Mm-hmm. Just with our staff. Mm-hmm.

[00:35:01] And the building, who... No. Just ask all I'm doing. Right? Yeah. Which get... Which gets back to something you said earlier. And maybe this will be a good place for us to close up this part of the conversation. Because you're active in church life. And you would...

[00:35:28] This wouldn't... This doesn't need to be... You don't need to be a church worker for this to happen. Sure. When... When you're active in church life. When you're... When you're showing up for worship. When you're getting to know people and serving with them. You know them.

[00:35:47] They know you. They become extended family. You... You share joys. And you share sorrows. And... If you stay in your living room. And grieve. You... You miss out on a fuller humanity. And you... You miss out on the opportunity for the Lord to use you for someone else.

[00:36:22] Indeed. Indeed. So... Communus saints. If... If you happen to be listening to this. And you've led a rather insular grief of some kind. My encouragement to you. And I guess... I would guess your encouragement as well would be. Come to the Divine Service. Go sing with the saints.

[00:36:50] Go receive God's gifts. Yeah. Thanks. Pray. And then... And then... And take a small step of serving with some others. So I'll just close this out with him. Yeah. Sing with all the saints in glory. Sing the resurrection song.

[00:37:14] Death and sorrow earth's dark story to the former days belong. Right? Now... Now... The clouds are breaking. Soon the storms of time will cease. And in his likeness will awaken. Knowing everlasting peace. Come sing with the saints. Be prepared. Body and soul... For that day.

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[00:39:33] Intro and out-from music setting by Joseph Hurrell. Copyright 1998 Concordia Publishing House. Use to a permission.